I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
