I'm so fucking centered right now
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
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