I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
