is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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