mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
