I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
