If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
