I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
