I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
