my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
