nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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