I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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