She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I touched a dick in church today
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
