Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
