I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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