M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
