i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
