Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
