Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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