Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
