i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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