Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
