genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
someone owes me an orgasm
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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