when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
