Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
