What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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