Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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