There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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