Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
