overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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