Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
