I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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