some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
