I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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