he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
