There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
