So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
