fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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