I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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