i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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