took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
