Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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