Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
