ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
