Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
