I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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