why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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