I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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