just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
