Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
