so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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