Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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