You work out of a Hotel?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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