At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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