Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
