bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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