The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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