Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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