According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
