Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
